Friday Fiction - The Pecking Order

Chapter 2

“You’ve been running through my mind all night”.

Three Weeks Prior...

The funny thing about free time is people always plan on making the most of it. They plan on going to the gym more often, reading some intelligent literature, writing a book or at least organizing a closet. The funny thing about free time is people never actually do any of that stuff.

Jaime’s been out of work for longer than he can remember.  Not in the traditional sense, but rather, his employer had been locked up and there wasn’t much of a reason to take his suit to the cleaners anymore, stay in shape, or keep track of the company expenses.  Anyways, that was Will’s job.  In an effort to maintain some type of socially acceptable physique, he went to bed committing to himself to go jogging the next morning.  He didn’t actually start this resolution until two weeks after the fact. Breathing heavily, he made his way down the dirt paths of the closest park.  

Damn-damn it's cold... when did I decide it was a good idea to go jogging in the morning?  I don't even like jogging!  I need to pee... does this park have public restrooms... I guess they aren't really necessary in the woods... maybe I can just find a moment of privacy off the trail and... It'd be easier if there weren't so many elderly morning walkers!  What are all these people doing awake this early?  What time is it anyway... huh... if I left now and cut through the bike trails I bet I could make it to McDonalds and eat breakfa... crap, is that... oh crap, looks like it’s... damnit.  What's she doing here? Surely she won't acknowledge me.  Maybe she won't even recognize me... oh damnit is she wav... she is, she's waving at me... Maybe she's waving at someone else... nope, she said my name.  Damn.  Is it too late to sprint by her? Yes, she's slowing down.  Okay, get ready to engage in some small talk bull shit...

 Holding back any sign of exhaustion, he sucked in his stomach and breathed out 

"Hello Abi".

A clean track shoe is a worthless track shoe.

Thursday Theories - Best Friend / Worst Enemy Singularity Theory

Stanley Tucci as Puck from A Midsummer Night's Dream

Every group of guys has that one friend whose job it is to push buttons. It's his job because he's damn good at it and, dammit, sometimes it just funny. He might not be the muscle of the group, but he'll push buttons of guys bigger than himself. He'll bring up issues and insecurities no guy wants to remember but the whole group laughs at the button-pusher's sniper-like accuracy. This mean streak is the whole reason he's invaluable to a group of guys. Lets' face it, without him we'd all be just a group of overly-sensitive boring guys. We'd be Coldplay without the talent and uptight artsy chick fan base.

If you don't know what I'm talking about by now then, more likely, you are the button pusher of your group or your'e hanging out with a pack of boring, sensitive chumps. You choose.

Imagine how difficult this is to explain to your girl friend or wife. She probably doesn't like this guy in your group. She's probably been the butt of his button-pushing and you probably did something really foolish like laugh at her expense.

So how, after sleeping alone for a week, how do you explain yourself, when she starts talking to you again? How do you answer her inevitable questioning:

''If he's such an A-hole, why do you hang out with that guy?"

For some reason, you look at her like she's the crazy one.

Her: "Why do you keep hanging out with that guy if he's such an asshole?"
You: "What are you talking about? He's one of my best friends!"
Her: "But didn't it upset you when he said/did __________X_________?"
You: "Of course! That guy's an asshole!"
Her: "WTF? And you continue to be friends?"
You: "You just don't get it. It's a guy thing."

And the "It's a guy thing" argument is the weakest argument a person can make. We might as well be monkeys.

Why is he crapping in his own hand and throwing it at others? 

You wouldn't understand. It's a monkey-thing.

Wednesdays are for Wine - Llano Estacado Sweet Red

I'm pretty bummed about being out of Arrogant Frog, especially after their official Twitter Re-tweeted me! It was a minuscule complement to my witty Tweeting skills. Today I'm enjoying a long time favorite from my old stomping grounds of Lubbock, Texas.  Llano!

The Sweet Red is a favorite because it taste like a bold and pure fruit juice, not alcohol. I don't like strong alcohol tastes in my wine or any beverage.

It's a simple taste and probably won't impress more affluent wine drinkers. But it goes great with a rainy evening at home wrapped up in a blanket with a loved one and the Wii booted up to a Virtual Console game.

I do NOT suggest the Mario Lost Levels if you're under the influence of more than one glass. I usually have more than one glass because my beautiful fiancée doesn't drink! More wine for me and she stay looking like a goddess forever (FYI: alcohol makes you age faster)!

Traumatic Childhood Tuesdays - "Keep your pants on"...

"Keep your pants on" and other things my mom told me when I was ten.

In fifth grade I had the pleasure of attending the same school my mother taught. I had the double pleasure of having her best friend as a teacher. During this time our president was going through a controversial scandal involving an intern. This scandal begat my mom's famous phrase:

“keeps your pants on"

I never thought it was an issue as a fifth grader but my mom would often remind my friends and I in the halls of Lakeside Elementary "keep your pants on!” she’d warn, “These white girls will ruin your life!"

Seven years later she was still warning me, “keep your pants on!” amongst other good advice. Somehow, not heeding to the warnings would cause her physical pain. This was a key component in the art of guilt perfected by my Mexican, Catholic mother.

"Why do you want to hurt your only mother like this, Josue?"

Josue is what she calls me when upset. It’s my Hispanic birth name.

"We've already taken you to Cancun, twice! Why would you want to go with your graduating class? You know those white girls will only get you in trouble! Remember what they did to my Bill [Clinton]? You’d better keep your pants on!"

Through the intervention of my dad and working extra hours at the mall, I saved enough money to join my graduating class to Cancun, Mexico for an after graduation trip. After surviving months of expected guilt-ing, I was able to go.

As it turns out, it’s not the best trip when you're the only guy in your beach cabana that doesn't drink. It’s like babysitting, I imagine, but dirtier and more hairy. Anyway the worst part turned out to be a lack of cell phone reception. After all, part of the agreement I developed with my parents was I would call home letting them know we landed safely… and call home to let them know when we got to the hotel room… and call before bed to let them know I was safe… and to call in the morning and the middle of the day to let them (my mom) know I was still safe.

After 48 hours of no cell phone reception, I bought a calling card and only got my parents answering machine. Oh, well. I had another long night of clubbing followed by babysitting peers.

It was the third morning that we woke up to banging on our cabana door. I wasn’t hung over, definitely sleep-deprived and not ready to get out of bed, but it’s never pleasant waking up in Mexico to banging on your front door. My roommates were muttering in their sleep and starting to stir while I stepped over them to answer the door.

It was my mom.

"Why haven't you called? We were worried sick!"

"TELL WHOEVER IS KNOCKING AT OUR DOOR TO GO FU-" my recently woken roommate was about to say before I stepped outside and closed the door behind me.

"Who was that? Why can't we come in? Are you ashamed of your Mother? 1 carrier you in my womb for 9 months, I almost died during birth..."

I hate Cancun and wonder why I didn't start drinking that night.

But I did remember to "keep my pants on.”

Manliness Mondays - James Bond's Swim Suit

I like Daniel Craig as James Bond. He creates a more gritty Bond. A more manly Bond. The kind that breaks through unfinished sheet rock and performs parkour at construction sites. And he looks awesome in this swim suit.

It's not gay (no, it's not)! It's an observation. He looks awesome and I want to look awesome, so I did the only reasonable thing and started looking for a pair of similar style. I found them in a haughty-looking shop in Italy. Check them out!

It's okay to be jealous, I know they're completely awesome. Now I need the body type to appropriately fit the swim trunks. I don't look close enough to Daniel Craig to confidently use the trunks yet, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try. That's where Timothy Ferriss and The Four Hour Body comes into play.

I started the 4HB total body makeover last month and have had great success. Before 4HB, I was spending hours in the gym. I'd wake up in the morning for a treadmill workout then hit the gym in the afternoon with either weight lifting or MMA training at Conan's Academy but the fat wasn't going anywhere. I was confused because this type of rigorous training had worked in the past and had seemed to plateau.

So I got the 4HB text and audio and started taking notes on my laptop as to what practices seemed tangible to my life style and have lost near 18 pounds of body fat! I take progressive self snap shots in the mirror to range how I stack up to the above mentioned 007 but probably won't publish those online anytime soon!

I feel better because my energy has increased, I have more time to accomplish other endeavors because I'm not in the gym and my MMA training has slowly begun to improve because I'm lighter and not so sore from daily weight lifting.

The next major step I plan to implement is a kettle bell routine. I'll let you know when I've hit 160!