Thursday Theories - Best Friend / Worst Enemy Singularity Theory

Stanley Tucci as Puck from A Midsummer Night's Dream

Every group of guys has that one friend whose job it is to push buttons. It's his job because he's damn good at it and, dammit, sometimes it just funny. He might not be the muscle of the group, but he'll push buttons of guys bigger than himself. He'll bring up issues and insecurities no guy wants to remember but the whole group laughs at the button-pusher's sniper-like accuracy. This mean streak is the whole reason he's invaluable to a group of guys. Lets' face it, without him we'd all be just a group of overly-sensitive boring guys. We'd be Coldplay without the talent and uptight artsy chick fan base.

If you don't know what I'm talking about by now then, more likely, you are the button pusher of your group or your'e hanging out with a pack of boring, sensitive chumps. You choose.

Imagine how difficult this is to explain to your girl friend or wife. She probably doesn't like this guy in your group. She's probably been the butt of his button-pushing and you probably did something really foolish like laugh at her expense.

So how, after sleeping alone for a week, how do you explain yourself, when she starts talking to you again? How do you answer her inevitable questioning:

''If he's such an A-hole, why do you hang out with that guy?"

For some reason, you look at her like she's the crazy one.

Her: "Why do you keep hanging out with that guy if he's such an asshole?"
You: "What are you talking about? He's one of my best friends!"
Her: "But didn't it upset you when he said/did __________X_________?"
You: "Of course! That guy's an asshole!"
Her: "WTF? And you continue to be friends?"
You: "You just don't get it. It's a guy thing."

And the "It's a guy thing" argument is the weakest argument a person can make. We might as well be monkeys.

Why is he crapping in his own hand and throwing it at others? 

You wouldn't understand. It's a monkey-thing.