How to Meet Single College Girls

Grading papers is boring.

Early in the year, the teaching staff was pulled out of the classroom to attend a seminar with Carol Yago as the presenter. Yago was going to reveal her method of lessening the grading work. I hate having to leave my classes with a sub, but if Carol Yago really had an innovative method of grading, it would be worth it. She didn’t.

Her advice resembled all the local news tips about avoiding hangovers on New Year’s Eve: Remediation! That’s the secret! Just pace yourself and limit your drink intake! Drink water! Don’t forget to eat! Remediation is the key! This isn't good advice or news. It's the same as saying, Don't want a hangover after New Year's Eve? Stay home, do nothing!

In Yago’s seminar, we learn that in order to keep the paper stacks down, we have to grade a little every night. Just plunk yourself down and grade a few papers a night. Sit somewhere without distractions and just grade. Have a glass of wine when you do it! She joked.

I find myself more productive when grading at The Library. Did I mention The Library is a local pub near the university? It’s comfortable to grade papers while being served food, drinks, and have the occasional small talk. Weekly, I’ll venture to The Library with the intentions of grading and bring along my buddy. He also has papers to grade and ideas to write, but usually uses the time to pick up the waitress or any college girl that happens to look like fun. This is the real f’ing secret to grading.

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Walking into a pub with a stack of papers attracts attention. I sit and put my red pen to work. My buddy scans the room, analyzing the prospects of adventure. Meanwhile, I die a little inside as I circle a misspelled word on a typed essay; they misspelled “you” by spelling it “u”.

“So, are you like a professor or something?” the waitress inquires to me. They always ask.

“YES! Yes he is!” my friend decides to answer for me, always trying to be my benevolent wingman.

“No, no I’m not. I teach high school.” I correct him and the waitress’ smile fades. “English and Creative Writing”, I offer up since I knew that would be her next question.

“Oh… that’s too bad you’re not a professor… I just started in the nursing school…”

“Yeah, I suppose, heh…congrats… can I get another Boyd Street Wheat?”

“…Coming right up.”

I move to return to my work when my buddy interjects “Wow. What the fuck is wrong with you, Flores? Why didn’t you just tell her you were a professor and keep her attention?”

“…”

“News flash, Flores: chicks do not exactly fall head over heel for guys in the teaching field! Especially a high school teacher because most of them grew up hating high school and want nothing to do with those who remind them of that time in their life” and then he laughs. Laughs at me, not with.

I’m grinning while flipping him off, knowing full-well his point was valid. I wasn’t about to acknowledge this verbally, though.

Things You Learn as a Teacher

1. It's a big teacher's pet peeve getting new transfer students from other schools... in the middle of Nofuckingvember.
2. It's a big teacher's pet peeve when you spend X amount of personal time teaching problem students how to behave like a human being... and they transfer to another school in the middle of Nofuckingvember.
3. It's a big teacher's pet peeve when a student acts like a fool and does almost no work in class then misses 1, 2, and sometimes 3 weeks of school in a row just to return for another week... and you're expected to get them caught up with every student who does their work.
4. If a student has the characteristics of a classic bully, they usually perform low academically... and grow up to be assholes.
5. If a student is a genuine genius and male, they're also the most immature... and are already assholes.
6. 90% of the time, a 5 minute conversation with the parent/guardian will explain why a student is a screwed up as they are; and it's a wonder they aren't more screwed up than they are.

That's all for now...

(I jest, not really, but regardless... this is the best career and most important. If you disagree, refer to number 5 on the list and see if this applies to you. Then go take a long look in the mirror. You're probably going to die alone and bitter.)

My Self-Improvement Plan

“We should always look to improve ourselves.” I proclaimed in class one day. “Just like Odysseus was loved by the gods because he knew there was always something to learn – as proclaimed by that whack-a-doo Aeolus, the wind god.”

“I think we should love ourselves just the way we are”, said the girl in the back row. She was sincere, too.

I never intend to damage my student’s fragile psyche. I didn’t want to say how ridiculous her statement was either. It felt like I stood for five long minutes before finally replying:

“Well… some people don’t like who they were and need to change… for the good of the community.”

It’s all I could think of to not sound too cynical.

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It started with the need to exert bottled up stress and testosterone. Then I started going six days a week. Now I’m signed up to learn mixed martial arts four days a week. My buddy became obsessed with a book that supposedly teaches the secret combination of lines and hand signals to pick up women. It’s your basic how-to guide to being a prick. After all, women like dating assholes. So, I started reading that. I soon started to organize my self-improvement plan:

Books to Read:
1. The Game by Neil Strauss
2. The 4 Ingredients Cook Book
3. World War Z by Max Brooks

Monday: 5:30 – wakeup; 6:00 – gym (cardio); 7:00 – shower; 8:00 – teach; 5:00 – box; 6:30 – walk dog ; 8:00 – box (advanced class); 10:00 – grade papers (5-10 per night)

Tuesday: 5:30 – wakeup; 6:00 – gym (back); 7:00 – shower; 8:00 – teach; 6:00 – Mat Work (Jiu Jitsu); 7:30 – walk dog; 10:00 – grade papers

Wednesday: 5:30 – wakeup; 6:00 – gym(triceps); 7:00 – shower; 8:00 – teach;6:00 - kick boxing; 7:30 – walk dog; 10:00 - grade papers

Thursday: 5:30 – wakeup; 6:00 – gym (arms); 7:00 – shower; 8:00 – teach;6:00 – Mat Work (Wrestling); 7:30 – walk dog; 10:00 – grade papers

Friday: 5:30 – wakeup; 6:00 – gym (chest); 7:00 – shower; 8:00 – teach; 4:30 – Weekend begins…

Saturday…

Sunday….

I love my job… and my dog…

Clarity is Found Only When the Sun Goes Down

I always resented living on the outskirts of this small, college town. It wouldn’t matter except that roads are always under construction, the posted speed limit is rarely over 35 mph, and the town is a cluster f_ck of four way stop signs and lights. Making it across town is always an ordeal.

When you live on the outskirts of a town, the night sky is always wholesome. When I can’t sleep and it’s unusually warm, I’ll take my dog for a walk and appreciate not living closer to the mall, bars, gym, and University.

I was cleaning my classroom the day before school started and found my pile of random holiday cards given by random people. I never understood the allure of holiday cards. Doesn’t everyone have e-mail now? Tossing one after the other into the trash can, two caught my attention.

Dear Flores,
Thanks for being the only teacher who doesn’t think I’m a
stoner. Merry X-mas!

I didn’t “think” this particular student was a stoner; some things you just know.

The second card had an overly muscular caricature of me. A dialogue box accompanied it saying:

"I swear it’s all natural! I don’t take any steroids and never have
time to work out!”

It was flattering.

...

Sometimes it’s a card or sincere note that makes you say, “Wow, to hell with everything else”.