Shaving is annoying with a hangover. So, I stop. Attending daily faculty retreats with a hangover is worse. Tragically, this cannot be stopped. Less than a week remained before the first day of school. It was too early to decide whether this was excellent or catastrophic timing for a break-up. If I could keep my mind preoccupied with work, there’d be no time for doubt, regret, or self-loathing. After all, I had to keep my head clear, maintain a professional facade with new coworkers. How pathetic would it be for me to be sad over a silly thing like a break-up! Besides, I’ve been single before! It was over five years ago, but I must have had more exciting things other than being in a relationship to occupy my time. I just had to remember what those exciting things were…
[Three boys crowd around a very blurry television screen. One stands behind the TV arranging various amounts of foil paper. It’s me arranging the foil paper.]
Me: “This is stupid! Where did you get such a stupid idea?”
Heavy-set Boy: “Quit being such a whiny little bitch! I’m telling you I got this to work at my grandma’s house last weekend! You could see vagina and everything!”
Scrawny Boy: “Whoa!”
Heavy-set Boy: “It helps to turn the brightness all the way up too.”
[Turns the brightness up]
Me: “Can you see anything yet?”
Heavy-Set Boy: “No, you’re sucking at it. Here, try the big foil penis. I dunno why but it usually helps with transmitting the digital signal or something.”
Me: “But my parents have cable, not satellite.”
Heavy-Set Boy: “It’s amazing how much of a whiny bitch you are. You really set the bar!”
Me: “FINE! Gimme’ the foil penis.”
[The bottom half of the screen clears up and audio clears.]
Heavy-Set Boy: “Bitch! Don’t! Move!”
Me: “I can’t see! Get a mirror or something you guys!”
Heavy-Set Boy: “IF YOU MOVE, YOU DIE!”
ME:
Scrawny Boy: “WHOA!”
Me: “Is it awesome?”
Heavy-Set Boy: “Well, it’s got a light green hue, but the bottom half is still very clear. You must be doing something wrong.”
Scrawny Boy: “Whoa.”
Heavy-Set Boy: “She’s really taking it! You should see this man!”
Me: “Damn it.”
[Mom walks in.]
Mom: “Hey boys, we’re ho…
Heavy-Set Boy: “ Hi, ma’am.”
Me: “Damn it!”
Scrawny Boy: “Whoa.
On second thought, being single isn’t always so great. It’s especially inconvenient when you’re in a profession with predominantly married women and bar hopping is almost unheard of the first year teaching. Focusing on my career was my moment of peace, but I couldn’t escape the round table conversations of the newlyweds:
“I can’t wait to get home and spend time with my husband!”
“My husband’s cooking dinner tonight, again!”“Tonight, the wife and I
are taking the kids to buy a parakeet!”
Parakeets are not meant to be pets. In some countries, if you buy your child a bird for a pet, it’s the same as child abuse. In fact, child abuse is less cruel than having a bird as a pet. When I get home, Molly, my dog greets me with concerned whines as to where I’ve been all day. We get the mail together and she watches me cook dinner. We eat at the dinner table. She can’t actually sit at the table but she sits on the floor and eats with me.
“Hey Molly, does this sound like a fun first-day lesson plan? Introduce
yourself by designing a tattoo (a.k.a. symbol) that represents you.
Include an inspirational quote and two metaphors that best describe you.
See what I did? The students will use literary devices, but they’ll think
it’s just a fun artsy assignment! Meanwhile, they’ll also be introducing
themselves to me!”
Molly licks herself; certainly that must translate to “yeah that’s an awesome lesson plan”.
“Yeah… I thought so…”
1 comment:
I wish this never had to happen. You know that.
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